First actual rap.

Well, 2 friends and I are starting out a little group of ours. It's nothing serious, at least we don't think, and we're sort of messing around and just writing our lyrics separately for now until we can get confirmation from my teacher to use his studio at our school. Anyways, let me know what you think of these. I'm trying to work on metaphors as I don't have any at all in this verse, but I'm just starting out. Let me know what you think.

These rhymes that I spit,
are just to let me get all of this shit,
out of my head so maybe I can think straight,
it might just be me,
or the other eight,
voices in my head that make we wish that I was dead,
they send me on a hunt for what I hope is the truth,
then I just say fuck it,
smoke a blunt, poof.

2nd verse, snatch a bitches purse,
these voices take me over, they got me in a curse,
roll another blunt, cast the voices out,
like I'm a fucking nun.
I don't know what to do,
I thought I was number one,
they fucked me over this time,
I thought that I was done,
I run to the bridge,
like I'm a little kid,
jump off the fucking edge,
now I'm fucking dead...
Not yet, I never hit the ground,
I grew a pair of wings, started flying around..
What the fuck is going on?
I thought that I was dead?..
Fuck, it turns out.. It was all in my head.

It seems a little choppy when you're reading it, but I recorded and listened to it over a beat, and I kind of flowed some of the words together a bit differently, and it definitely doesn't sound as good as it does in my head, but it's not bad. I'll take any criticism I can get, good or bad just as long as it's serious. I'm open for change, because I just want to get better. So, comment away

 

Not bad, I would like to hear it over a beat. Try rhyming multiple syllables at the end of the bars though, it flows better. Check my stuff out, I have a thread on this subforum as well.

 

Yeah for sure, like I said I'm still working on it. And I actually did check out some of your stuff before, and I like your flow, so for sure keep it up man. Thanks for the feedback.

 

1) why would you want to "snatch a bitches' purse?"

2) Very Nice Lyrics on this part:
"jump off the fucking edge,
now I'm fucking dead...
Not yet, I never hit the ground,
I grew a pair of wings, started flying around..
What the fuck is going on?
I thought that I was dead?..
Fuck, it turns out.. It was all in my head."

 

Well I've been listening to a lot of OF lately.. So I know that's some influence to the sort of violent(ish) side of this song, but I was in the area talking about the voices I hear sometimes telling me to shit that I know I don't want to, and I figured it rhymed, so why the hell not. And thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.