-sigh-

Warning: May be triggering in later areas - if you are still recovering please avoid this thread.

I doubt I will write a TLDR, just doesn't seem right for this section.

Context
I am a 17 (18 in August) Australian male, I have been in a few relationships, the most recent being 10 months which was broken off a few months ago. I am in year 12, living in a stable-ish family. I have been fighting with depression of changing levels for the last 3 years.

The Issue
This will take a while...
I have a best friend, for identity sake we'll dub her Catherine, Cath has been my best friend for years, together we've been through a lot; depression, school, family, friends and relationships. There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for this girl, she is the most important person to me, more than my girlfriends etc.

Her boyfriend, which I use the term very loosely is now named "jake", jake and Cath have been together for over a year, though 4 months were spent apart whilst Cath was in Japan on exchange. Since her return from Japan, I noticed Cath was sadder than she was before she was in Japan. Being my best friend, I invited Cath to my year 12 formal where she stayed the night at my house, on this night when we were cuddling on the couch, I found out why this was the case; Jake had been physically, mentally and sexually bullying her. I knew he had hit her once or twice but I never knew it was to a daily extent, when around friends he would tell her that she was ugly, or needed to lose weight, anything to hurt her. (I will not go into the 3rd form of bullying)

Since these incidents, Caths mental state has severely degraded, seeing a specialist she was diagnosed with extreme stress, anxiety and depression. She has begun to self-harm a bit but generally I have managed to get her to avoid it. Since the formal night we have been getting quite close. Admitting our feelings for each other etc but due to Jake, she was convinced I was too good for her and that she deserved to be hurt. This sent alarm bells to me and I begun to stay up even later, instead of going to bed at 12, i was up till 2-3 talking with her, making sure she was okay, trying to show her that she was loved and shouldn't feel she deserved to be hit, in the meantime my mental state has been truly and utterly shattered, I have been forced to wear long sleeves again for the first time in years. Eventually at long last it got through to her that she deserved to be treated better, bringing us even closer; which made me happier, we were both happy. Skype calls from 6am -12, there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. The reason she hadn't left because she had her deb (debutante, a very formal dance event) which she was going with him for it, and in just one practise session, she had gone from thinking that she could be better off without him to wanting to give him another chance. "He only hit me 3 times today and i was really happy at that"

Heart absolutely shattered, I turn off all contact with her and went back to the blade. This was last night and still haven't talked to her since.

Help.


Thought this would be longer.. Maybe I'm overreacting.

 

This is a textbook problem and the reason why this happens is because you are a pussy. Don't get me wrong here, you might be a "good" guy but without growing a pair and actualy making your move this won't fix itself.

Jake keeps making Cath feel like she is trash and that she would never find anyone better than him. Sad thing is that she is buying it. She gets hurt then you show up, comfort her and set her up for getting hurt again. YOU ARE enabling this. Just tell her how you feel and tell her that Jake is a dipshit who will most likely end knocking up a random ho that he will meet in a bar when on his drinking spree or even worse get her pregnant. Ask her if she wants a husband who hits his children/wife. That should be an easy answere. There are countless other reason to get out of a abusive relationship. I advice googling it as it will give you a lot of material on how to show that she should dump him.

Moral of the story: STOP BEING A PUSSY AND TELL HER WHAT YOU FEEL.

 

I've told her numerous times how I feel and the response is always the same. I can't just fall out of love with him, I can't just leave him. #StockholmSyndromeAnyone?

 

Yeah, sounds like a serious case of stockholm syndrome here.

My first piece of advice would have her to seek some kind of counseling, which it seems that she's already done so that's a step in the right direction. Maybe offer to go with her for a session if she's afraid to open up? (?)

After that all you can really do is a) be honest with her about the situation, which you've done and b) be as supportive of her as possible. Beyond the professional help, honesty, love and support, there really isn't a whole lot you can do for her. Just let her know how important she is to you, keep her from self-harming if you can, etc. With time hopefully she'll get better, just try and keep from letting it get to you. After all, only she can make the decision to get out of this.

 

Wtf how can you tell her to not cut when you're also cutting? I seriously have never understood the point of cutting. I can understand how sometimes physical pain feels good, but actually slicing your arms and drawing blood is fucking ridiculous. Get a grip already. I'm sorry if I come off too harsh or whatever, but somebody needs to say it.

As for her, she doesn't sound very smart and clearly very delusional. "He only hit me 3 times today". For fucks sake. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do. She needs to learn on her own. Hopefully she'll have enough of it at some point and leave him. If that never happens, then well she just deserves it for putting up with it for so long, sorry. That's how I see it. Yeah you can be there for her and talk to her, but that doesn't sound like it's doing much and seems like it's just enabling her. You need to just be straight up with her no matter how harsh you are. You also need to limit how much you talk to her. You need to let her know that what she is doing is absolutely absurd in every way and is not only hurting her, but you as well. Tell her you just can't deal with it anymore and that you think you need to separate yourself from her some until she gets her shit together. I mean you clearly can't deal with it either anyways considering you're cutting yourself too...