Cant stand how messy my girlfriend is

Hey Guys, Looking for some advice.

Heres some background:

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost 3 years. We moved in together last July. Before we moved in together i laid down some ground rules about choirs and the general tidiness of our apartment, i knew from being with her previous to us moving in together that she was NOT clean at all but i let her know that she'd have to be clean for us to live together and she promised that she would be.

A few months into us living together i started to notice her bad habits. She'd leave clothes lying around for days, leave her used makeup wipes all over the floor, not clean up after herself, and the list goes on and on. We argued about it and we came to the compromise that if she agrees to ALWAYS have the kitchen clean that she'd be able to leave a mess around the rest of the house. That seemed reasonable enough to me until less than a month later the kitchen was being left a mess again and we were back to square one.

I am NOT a clean freak, far from it but i tend to get a bit stressed when i come home and its a mess. It's to the point that we constantly argue about it. It's a lot worse than i can possibly describe through words so i might upload a few pictures so you guys can see and maybe understand.

My question is, what do i do? How can i make her start being more clean and understand how much of an issue it is to me? And do i really have to break up with my girlfriend because shes filthy?

 

A few steps you can take.

- Enrol her into a cleaning course perhaps.
- If you have local cleaning (for charity based) places, (as in help clean homeless areas), you can go out with her and volunteer in these places, so she can see the world around her.
- Do a test, those type of tests that shows the level of uncleanliness that can be left in your apartment if she doesn't clean up. Most girls do not like when they really realise the level of bacteria and dirt that is building up around them.


Sit down and have a conversation about it, try not to make it become an argument, but more so to make her understand how serious you are about her filthy habits having an effect on your relationship.

Have you tried to have a cleaning rota? Make it so you share chores. If she has a constant issue cleaning her own things, perhaps she may be better handling some of yours as well.

If she does well at these, you can treat her out. Make it so if she's doing the chores you give her a treat, sort-of. Trying not to make it sound so patronizing.

In the end if you believe it is really affecting your life-style and your relationship to the point of where you feel a break up is necessary, then that should be your own decision.

Also, Goodluck and I hope it works out for you.

 

Thanks Sonia, I believe i've tried the "test" like you said where i just didn't clean and let it pile up. Well, that didn't work, after 2 weeks of me not cleaning the apartment was a disaster and she was totally fine with it all.

We've had serious discussions where we just talk it out and not argue and she ends up crying. I'm starting to think she's just a spoiled brat because she's used to me doing everything for her.... I do all the cleaning, food shopping, cooking, clothes washing and buy everything for our apartment.

As far as choirs, i've written a checklist and she ignores it.

I'm just to the point where i'm tired of talking, i told her to hire a maid or cleaning service and she refused that too. =| :'( :'(

 

That's just ridiculous. No one should have to clean up after another to that extent. You've tried all the reasonable/basic things. Maybe try to leverage against her. A trade of clean kitchen for a prize. If that doesn't work take something away that you give her and bargain it back for a clean kitchen.

Honestly she should care enough about you to do it for you for nothing. I do a lot for my gf and she does a lot for me as part of a natural trade. It's not something we usually discuss. So I might recommend forgetting the whole thing and working hard at the relationship itself and if it becomes something even better then you won't have to hassle her, she will do it herself because she cares.

 

So maybe my girlfriend doesn't actually care? She talks about all the time about us having kids and getting married but all i can think about is how can I possibly live with this woman for the rest of my life with a dirty house.

I've tried bartering with her, i've tried compromising, i don't know what to do. She says i bother her about her cleanliness so much that i sound like her father =| =| =|

 

By the test of cleanliness, I meant a physical cleaning test. If you watch those shows, where theres these two cleaning nannys and they test the level of bacteria in certain areas, and it comes back on a scale of how dirty and its past the point of normal. I guess that's just T.V.


Do your/her friends/relatives come round often? Have any of your friends out-right told her she needs to clean up properly, etc. Like if the house is a dirty state when there are visitors?

Perhaps a small break-up could solve something. If she is left alone in the apartment to defend for herself. Where you're not around to fix up after her.
I don't get why she would refuse a maid/cleaning service. Hire it yourself and tell her that's the only way it's going to work.

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh lol, i thought you meant a metaphorical test not a literal one.

My mother actually told her out right that she's dirty (in spanish) and she said (in spanish) "How could you raise a household if you can't keep one clean" which was a bit harsh but truthful.

I honestly think she'd have a mental breakdown if she was left to her own devices.

 

thats too bad.

 

Let it go and move on, i know its difficult but its better than losing your girlfriend, stop with all the arguments and just suck it up

 

I beg to differ. Having a girlfriend that isn't compatible with you, is worse than having none.

OP, it sounds like she is being plain lazy. Is she "lazy" in other functions of your relationship too?

 

I know how stressful it can be to come home after a long day to messy house. Basically, when someone is being that stubborn, the best way is to get even with them. If she really doesn't care when you go through this much effort to be this polite about bringing it to her attention that it bothers you, then you should do something else to get her to care.

Think of something that really irks her that you do/don't do, or maybe something you know would irritate her. When she gets to see things from your perspective, you can work on finding mutual ground and there will actually be consequences for her.

If nothing absolutely works, well then do not be afraid to stand up for yourself because it is only right. Tell her that if she keeps up the same routine, that there's no way you can give her the future she wants and you will have to separate. It's going to make you crazy the longer something is not done about it.

 

tell her, it's me or the mess

 

I'll be honest. I don't see her changing. If you will confront her and stay strong on your stand then she will just find another guy to serve her needs. Crying and no sex are tools that women use regulary to break men, don't fall for this. Stay on point and insist on having a calm discussion. From other people experience I can say that women like that don't change until they lose their looks. Then it's another ballgame.

I think the 1st thing you should do is answere this, would you let her do the stuff she does if she was not that good looking? Are you with her for the sex and her looks or do you really like the person?

If you want my personal advice then run and don't look back. You will not change her and she doesn't seem to give a single fuck about your feelings. All she cares for is her own good. If she does not work and doesn't want to clean/cook then just tell her that you will be expecting her to pay half the rent, buy her own food and prepair it, wash her own clothes etc. From what you have wrote I'd say she's just a prostitute. Trading sex for goods. You deserve better.

 

Are you still needing help with this? If so, I may be able to provide some insight on how to approach the situation. Just hit me up on Skype and I can explain there

 

Are you paying all of the bills?

 

That's a red flag right here. I don't understand how it's an argument after she said she'd change after moving in with you. What makes it worse is how you came to such a compromise of eventually letting her make a mess everywhere else. How did you think that would work? She couldn't keep it up for long, and you basically told her "Okay, do that but clean the kitchen". It was inevitable that it would start happening. If she couldn't change the first time, there was no way she'd change even after you let her bad habit go through with that compromise.

I don't know her, but so far it sounds like she's manipulative. Have you noticed anything like this in the past before even moving in?

Is money an issue?

Richard has a point here, I mean we're at a point in time where women are completely different than they were decades ago. They are more occupied with other meaningless things from social media, to what's the latest gossip. I guess their priorities are in different places now.

 

No, just the majority. She pays half of the rent.

Sigh, that's a bit disconcerting to say the least. My girlfriend is Dominican, and the way Dominican women are raised even now are to be submissive towards men, to be very dependent on men and to be able to run all aspects of the household. They're raised to be stay at home moms basically. My girlfriends mother is very traditional in that sort of way so she raised her to be that way, i'm not asking my girlfriend to be like that but it's a bit perplexing that she is still dirty.

edit: after googling those terms, i may be one of those herbivore men. I don't want to get married for fear of being stuck being unhappy.

Money isn't an issue, we both have good jobs.

She's not manipulative. She cried during that argument because she thought i was going to throw her out of my apartment.

I wholeheartedly agree with you about how much things have changed. The priority has shifted from raising a family to getting a good filter on a selfie =|

 

Maybe she doesn't feel like it's necessary to spend money since it doesn't bother her. What if you offered to pay for the maid? Even if it's her mess.

 

I could do that but i can't just have a maid come for the rest of our lives... I'd rather address the root of the issue than hide it or throw money at it.