Classmate kissed the girl I liked..

Not sure where to start.. There's a rollercoaster of feelings going through me right now and I don't know what to do, I've got so much anger in me, it's unreal, all I can think about is beating this guy up.

So there's this guy(i'll call him J.) in my class at uni who I considered to be a friend. He has a girlfriend as well and I was happy for him, etc.
Back in January a new girl joined our class. And I kinda felt like I wanted to know her better, during the first few months she was still trying to fit in & didn't talk much so I didn't get much of a chance to really have a nice convo with her.

About 1.5 month ago I went out with about 10 guys(including J.) from my class and the new girl was also going to be there. Earlier that night I made clear to all the guys that I was interested in her, everyone was cool with it & supported me, etc.
The night was going well, and I started getting more in touch with her, then I went out for a smoke and after like 5 mins I looked back inside and i saw J talking with her, at first I thought "ahh they're just talking", but after about 10 mins I see them both walking out, at that point I started getting really pissed off and several of my friends tried to calm me down telling me nothing was going to happen between them and that she was just feeling a bit ill(she did drink a lot that night).
I started to get more angry by the minute and all the guys decided to take me to another bar. After that I didn't see J & her for the rest of the night and I was convinced something happened between them..

The day after I was mad as fuck at J. but then I heard from several friends that she was actually feeling really ill the night before and that all J. did was bring her to her appartement that was nearby because she was too drunk. At that point I started to cool off a bit but I still had my doubts about the whole situation.
J. also messaged me to ask what was up, i explained the situation to him, and he ensured me nothing happened, that he wouldnt do such things to me, and that all he did was take her to her appartement cus he didn't want to leave her alone like that. So I decided to believe him & forget about it.

Now over the past month my feelings started getting stronger for her... Last friday we had a birthday party at her house, everyone was invited, including J.. The night was going great and at some point I was outside talking to some other girls of my class, they knew I was into her and all of a sudden one of them tells me that J said he had kissed her that night 1.5months ago... I started boiling inside but kept my cool cus it was her birthdayparty at her house so yea... A couple minutes later she came outside and heard that I knew about it, she tried to be nice with me etc but I just wanted to get out of there, I planned to spend the night there but I went home early with another friend.

The past 2 days I've felt nothing but anger building up inside & i don't know what to fucking do.

How do i handle this situation???


TLDR: A friend(has a gf..) kissed the girl I liked(when he knew i liked her), he told me he didn't, I believed him, & last friday I found out he did and right now I'm about to explode irl, i'm past the point of talking it out, I wanna put this guy in the fucking hospital he can't just mess with my feelings like that

 

Are you 100% sure he kissed her? What if they just heard that\it was alleged?

 

He said they did, she says she doesn't remember.

That's a clear yes for me.

 

First of all CALM DOWN BITCH lol jk, i mean.. what can you really do. Just get over it. The other choice would be to put the guy in hospital which you shouldnt do.

 

well J is a total ass, and isn't worth your time, let alone is girlfriend's time since (assuming they're exclusive) he cheated on her. In terms of the girl you're into, she was probably super drunk and wasn't even acting herself. Who knows if she actually wanted a kiss from him. Even so, if she's saying she doesn't know, maybe she's saying that because she doesn't want you to be turned away from her.

Your other friends taking you to another bar was probably a good thing tho, tbh. Since it's only an interest and you haven't really talked to her, there's no real reason to be angry except for the fact that J went against his word and your trust. Should you feel let down by your pal? yes. Mad? sure. Pissed off to a large degree? probably not.

 

From past experience:

Throw the girl some shade and don't fuck with J anymore. Shady shit. It might have been different had J told you up to a week after he kissed her, apologizing to you about it, but you had to find out from someone else. That's fucked, especially since he has a girlfriend.

Now you need to realize that she's just some girl you don't know too much about. Don't stress over it. Just realize that things won't be the same between you two, and you and J. If J knew you were crushing on her and still does that, he's not a chill friend to be with so cut ties. You don't need that in your life. Don't go out of your way to avoid him though.

 

Bro, everyone was drinking. Drunkenness makes a person very flirty and makes just about all romantic things possible, and he probably just kissed her because of how drunk he was. Don't take it personally and definitely don't try and act like a tough guy and strong-arm him. It will do nothing but make your peers, the girl, and J feel awkward, weirder out, and creeped out. Play it off as if nothing happened and proceed with asking the girl out to lunch or dinner, something not too terribly serious. Get to know her and pretend that none of that nonsense happened and just put it behind you. J, being three sheets to the wind, probably thought she was into him and wanted to get some action. Remember, if you can outplay and outclass him, you don't need to worry. Getting physical makes you look like a creep and a bully, especially when there is a girl involved. Play it cool, and you'll be fen.

 

You need to realize, like you said she drank alot, alcohol changes people, why not just get both of them together and confront both of them right there and then, instead of feeling like you want to hurt someone.

 

This. Does she know btw that you liked her?

 

A few things stand out to me in this situation.

1) Regarding J: I know you believe that it seems like he's betrayed your trust. However, in regards to this girl, have you actually done anything romantically with her? Just because you like her isn't really a reason for you to say that he isn't "allowed" to do anything with her. I know you're upset, but does this girl like you back? If so, why didn't she stop him? Even if she was drunk, if she was aware that you liked her and she liked you back I don't think she would've done anything, or if she did, she would have apologised to you.
2) It's literally a kiss, that isn't much at all. What are you more upset about, the fact that the girl you like is kissing someone or that your friend betrayed your trust? If it's the former, I would say that you're too heavily invested in a girl that does not have any commitments to. If this is the case, I would suggest that you either make your intentions clear to her, or you're just setting yourself up to be hurt even more. You can't just stand on the sidelines and get angry whenever she does anything with another person - she has no obligation to be with you. If you are more angry with your friend betraying your trust, as you say he has a gf, it would make a lot of sense for him to lie to everyone that he didn't kiss her. They were both drunk and things like this happen - it's not like they had sex. He might even have wanted to tell you what happened, but because of his gf, he had to lie to everyone to stop the truth from coming out as it endangered his relationship.
3) In these types of situations, speaking from my past experiences, you may even need to decide who you value more, your friend or this girl, should it come to that. When I was 18 my best friend at the time tried to rape my gf while she was drunk. THAT is an example of when you should disregard your friend, no matter how close he is to, because he is trash and you need to distance yourself to those kinds of people as much as possible. This does not seem like one of those scenarios. Your friend kissed a girl you liked a party - it's not like he kissed your girlfriend. If anything, he was making a huge mistake himself as he was drunk and had a gf. I know it's hard, but you cannot allow yourself to be this emotionally invested in a girl who might not reciprocate your feelings. I don't know how old you are, but I (and I'm sure so many other) have been in your situation and it puts you into an incredibly exposed position where you are open to an incredibly amount of hurt.

I hope you take these words on board. All the best to you.

 

Thx to everyone for commenting. Cutting ties with this dude is definitely something that I'll do, all I don't know is how I'll react when I'm near him.. Since he's in my class all day.

And I think that by now she does know, yes.
The morning after she texted me asking if everything was Ok, which I just responded yes to, because I didn't feel like saying anything else to her at the time.

 

This means you haven't been clear with her. You're sacrificing a friendship based on a girl you aren't committed to or even know if she has feelings for you. You are getting the worse end of this, you benefit in no way other than for the *chance* of being with her.

 

Damn man that reaks! But hey - if you really dig this girl, and I mean really...then as Edgemaster said, you look past it and continue to pursue your goal. She's technically still single, so if you brush it off I think she would appreciate it. Or you could tell her flat out I was upset at J because I really like you (thats a heavy hitter to say).

I had sort of had the same situation, but the girl I digged hooked up with another dude that I know. Don't diss out J but keep talk small if he does bring up conversation. Let us know how it goes when you have class.

 

Then I think you have a chance to be her boyfriend. It's clearly obvious that she cares about you, go for it homie.

 

Another good thing is to never bring a girl you like around your friends they are snakes for girls she was a class mate as i read maybe not tell them next time and try harder and faster.

 

Unless you're in grade school, a kiss is meaningless. I've kissed so many girls and it meant nothing. You have no one to blame but yourself for not being the aggressor and making a move when it counted. Girls like assertive men. Don't expect women to come to you, it doesn't work like that. If you're upset because he lied to you over a kiss, well I don't know what to tell you other than to grow up. You sound like a sensitive guy, so it seems like he lied to protect you. I'm not trying to sound like a douche here, just telling you how it is man. The best of luck to you.

 

Based on your guys logic drunk drivers should get lesser sentences. Alcohol increases the severity of the crime not the other way around.

My advice on J:
The time it would take to build up trust again with J isn't worth it, cut ties. Got no advice about having to see him at school. I guess just ignore him as much as possible.

My advice on the girl:
Doesn't sounds like you know her much. I get the feeling that it's more of a case where you have not even breached the outer wall. I think it's safe to say that the feeling you have for her are mainly because of her looks + the small amount of things she has said. Usually it takes quite a bit of time before you get to know a person(this means figuring out the bad side of her, which usually comes later) and actualy fall in love. Atm it's more like your brain/evolution telling you "SEX HER ". I don't think you have enough information about her to say that this is the right person for you. So I'd advice the same as above, the time it would take to build up trust with her is way too high (some studies say it takes years to fully trust someone again once the trust is broken, but it does depend on the severity aswell), so just move on cause it likely isn't worth the time investment.

 

just because you were the first to state that you liked her, it doesnt mean that she's now yours and yours only. by the sounds of it "j" likes her aswell, and you cant do much to stop that. my advice is just to try harder, talk to her more and hangout with her more till she comes to like you more.

 

What the hell are you talking about? People aren't objects. You don't claim someone to be yours and no one else's just because you like that person. That's the base of my reasoning.

 

I see the point you're trying to make and you're right about all you're saying, but when you know your friend is into someone, are you going to jump that same girl while you already have a girlfriend?
And a kiss means nothing indeed, but it's the trust, lying, + finding out about it like a month after it happened that made me so mad about the whole situation. This guy was the one who i spent most my time with during/after school. It just feels like a huge backstab to me..