Suicide thoughts

Hi all. I know that no one here even knows who I am.
Growing up was never easy for me considering I was isolated from people and places, basically I lived on top of a mountain since my parents worked for this celebrity. I have no brothers or sisters. Just me and my dogs. I'm very embarrassed to admit this but I did harm myself as I grew up. And even two years ago, I ended up being at a hospital for ODing. That shit was not fun. I had nurses that had to watch me in case I do something fishy. So, I was a crazy person according to them. I spent weeks at the hospital. Why did I do it? You will probably laugh at me but it's because of love. Now, I don't know if you guys dislike lesbians but I am a lesbian. And my girlfriend that I went across the world for just to be with her, decides to dump me because her friend suggested her to do it. Can you believe that? Well, two years from then on, my girlfriend or should I say fiancée have been doing long distance relationship. Occassionally, I would visit her when I can but it's hard to considering it'll cost a lot of $.
Let me just point out too that she will dump me over stupid fights. Even the smallest fights. And she insists it's to reach me a lesson. Doesn't that hurt?
And so... Now, she has dumped me again and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being dumped over and over again.
You know, I'm not the type of person to talk much in forums, even in real life I'm always the quiet person. I just want to say that I give up. I do love my parents, I do. But I feel like I'm dying inside. Oh and it's not just because of love. I pretty much fail in life since I dropped out of high school during 11th grade but I managed to get my GED. Ever since I got it I basically just stayed home and isolated myself from the real world. I'm sorry that I talk too much but I don't have anyone else to talk to. I just lost interest in everything. I don't now if I'm just going crazy but yeah. 20 years old now and still no job. Well, I have an online job where I have to write reviews for mmorpg gold sellers and such but not really considered a job. Now I'm just blabbing.
There's my story quickly written into short paragraphs. Honestly, I don't know anymore. Here I am crying my eyes out writing this but you guys know about my life now.

 

http://www.sythe.org/personal-support/

Honestly, you may be thinking it's all because of love; but instead, it's the strain of the love over the years which is not the same thing. All of the bullshit and all of the break-ups are building up. You'd be better off not being an intimate relationship right now, especially with this girl. Give yourself time to find happiness in yourself, not in someone else. It's really hard sometimes to be on your own, but it is definitely worth it once you find a way to make yourself happy. I hope that you don't think about doing anything harmful to yourself again, because as untrue as it sounds right now, your life is worth something. You are better than constant rejection from this girl, and you should definitely let her know that she isn't worth it anymore. All she's doing is making you feel bad. You may feel good when you're with her, but realistically, you aren't even with her that much. And if money is a problem to be able to be together, then maybe you just weren't supposed to be together in the first place; long distance is a bitch.

You love her so much that it hurts, and that's not the way it's supposed to be. That's the wrong kind of love.

Best of luck x
Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

Damn it, wrong thread...

Yankiee, you know, reading all of that makes me cry of happiness. It's true that if the relationship is just all about breaking up and stuff, that's not really what you'd call a relationship. Hell, I am most likely crazy but I keep coming back to her. And what's sad is that, breaking up is always the solution for her. I can't really do anything now can I? The thoughts though... it's killing me and no matter what I do to try to keep myself busy, it's always in my mind trying to bring me down. I really appreciate all the things you said Yankiee. Right now, I don't know what to feel or what to do. I honestly have no friends as crazy as that sounds. My cousins are also far away from me since I just moved to another state. Probably another reason why I feel so depressed.

 

I knew a girl who was in my English class last year, she wasn't the easiest to be around as it would see her with blades slicing her arm. She too was lesbian and everybody accepted that however I know a lot of the time she was having the same trouble as you with the long distance relationship. I will tell you how she got through it, she spoke up, she made friends and she still had a long distance relationship with a girl who she loved but she had other people her age to talk too if something where wrong. I havn't saw her since but I have heard the cutting has calmed down a lot and she is quite popular

Hope I Helped

 

@Youphoria, that made me laugh but I don't think hanging myself would be the way to go.

 

@Frary, sure sounds like me, haha. But I honestly don't have any friends. I don't go to school and I stopped communicating with my friends from my high school ages ago. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm actually a bit scared of getting to know people in person, really makes me nervous.

 

Being disconnected from everyone you used to know isn't the end of the world. Meet new people, make new friends. Go to a park, adopt a dog... Go to a dog park even if you don't have a dog. Enjoy the little things in life, and don't stress the things that you can't control. There are so many things that could make you happy that are right in front of you, you just have to look.

At least you understand and aren't denying the fact that the relationship is a bad one. It isn't healthy, and knowing that is a good thing. Having the urge to keep going back to her is natural because you love her. Everyone has a weak spot for someone, and that is perfectly okay. You just need to know when to walk away, and I think that time is sooner than later.

 

Don't cry please, there are always up and down's, I currently don't have a Job and Im 19, I don't talk much too but you can go out and always meet new people and they can cheer you up, Im sure that you are a nice girl and you will find a new girlfriend soon once you're ready for a new relationship, just don't give up and try to make new friends, don't make suicide life is more worth! I had Suicidal thoughts too, where my girlfriend broke up or I had conflicts with my mom, but I was too scared to do that because I didn't know what would happen after that? I beg you please don't do suicide!

Feel free PM me or add me in skype anytime if you want to talk there. You can add me in runescape too, I see that you are still playing!

 

Firstly, I admire you for coming out and sharing your problems as that is not only the first step to a better life but the hardest thing to do as well. I will never be able to understand how much you love your partner but I know for one thing that it will never end well especially if u get hurt over and over again. Ur dependency on her will keep increasing and its rlly bad and dangerous and the level of hurt will just keep increasing. Nevertheless, I admire your love and dedication for you and hope she will see it and treat and respect you the way you deserve to be. As for life, its definitely hard making a lot of friends and knowing your place in society when the surroundings and environment you were born with was so different from everyone else. Its something you could not choose and hence it is understandable for the situation you are in. However I would suggest that you try to be more outgoing and find common interest, activities that you can engage in with other people, and its will be the first step to finding greater and more importantly true friends who will stick by you no matter what. As for a job, its definitely hard to find something that u are passionate in but honestly theres no choice when it comes to jobs as its a necessity and cannot be avoided. Although I cannot give much advise job wise, I feel that you will just have to do whatever you need to get by and I hope one day u will have your calling where you find purpose and meaning to ur job, something that u can enjoy and look forward to. Make goals to keep you going and motivated for example what can the money bring you that can lift up your spirits and lighten up your day. Consider these and work hard towards your goals. No one ever said life will be perfect and everyone has their struggles. Its impossible to change what your born with and what the past has brought but theres no doubt in my mind that you can change your future. All the best and never give up

 

@Master, Thank you for the kind words and I will definitely PM you whenever I feel down again!

@l0lly, Thank you as well for your kind words. It's true that you can't really get a job that you're passionate about. It really means a lot to me that people like you who have no idea who I am stops and reads my depressing post and says something nice to me. Hell, I can't even express how happy I am to have people who don't know anything about me care about me. Although, it didn't really leave my mind completely, right now I'm doing okay and I just had a day where I didn't go on any technology and just started thinking about this and that. It worked since I'm still alive and well. But, I still am a bit depressed. Maybe it will go away, and maybe it won't. I know who to talk to though if it does. Thank you guys so much.

 

I'm not the one who usually makes a whole speech about this, but keep your head high. I've been down the dark road of suicide too and after calming myself down I have learned that it is not the right way to go. I would not insist in staying with that one girl, as it will only break you apart more. Find a new girlfriend, and get a job that you're making a nice profit off of AND you're comfortable with. I'm not the greatest writer, nor do I tend to write long paragraphs but I hope this helps. Best of luck in the future ^_^

 

@Joshua, Thanks Josh. I appreciate it. Even though I pretty much lost hope in living, I'm doing better than before. Thanks again!

 

Set goals for yourself.

Make it a goal to get through each day.

If that's too hard, make it an hourly thing. Every time you pass an hour through the day without trying to hurt/kill yourself, celebrate!

 

@Josh, will do. Most likely going to quit Runescape and maybe find something else to keep my mind off of it. Thank you again...

 

Of course. Feel 100% free to pm me if you're still troubled, i've gone through it too

 

After reading this whole history more than two times it makes me feel sad that people get to their heads some kind of bullshits just because they think they "didn't" set themselves or better yet "do" something in their lives. Well let me tell you, you are a person like we all are and believe me when I say that you will soon or later find something according to your like. A job is easy to find, new people to hang out with, new friends, a new girlfriend. It's a matter of time, but what I dislike about your situation is that you keep going with that girlfriend of yours which just doesn't fit you and your needings as a woman. Stop doing that and try starting to care about your live, since you will only live once, no more and no less. You just have one life and you must know that you have a perfect parents whose like you and admire you, you have a looong life to live ( I am talking like I am 50 years old , yet I am 21 but yeh , lol ), ignore the retards that want to hurt you and you will get out of that shitty place. Believe me that you will get out of that huge black hole. Break up with that girlfriend, she doesn't deserve you and start doing new stuff which will please you. Stop being so negative!!! You have to live while you're young otherwise when you will have 70 years you will be like "OH, REALLY? I WAS BAD BECAUSE OF THIS?". Good luck !!!!

 

Don't do it, somebody loves you, and they will miss you.

 

i know this thread has passed its peak, but if you're anything like me youll be back here reading the kind words from the random strangers when you feel down. feel free to add my skype and just talk about whatever you need. I'm online almost 18 hours a day so chances are ill be here if you ever need someont to talk to

skype: aricayy

 

@krutoi, don't worry, me and her are no longer together which at first made me not well happy. But, I guess I just needed some time alone to think about life and to maybe slowly appreciate it since I know there are other people that have it a lot worse than I do. I'm just a hopeless romantic which is probably why I was like that ^. Thank you for the words though and don't worry, you don't sound like a 50 year old, lol.

@Driggers, thank you. I hope you're right.

@Darbss, thank you too for the comforting. It definitely puts a smile to my face seeing people who I don't know comfort me and talk me out of it. I will definitely add you!

Thank you all for all the kind words, I really really appreciate it.

 

Good to hear you're moving on with your life, you did good. Now you need time to believe in yourself and when you will do so, you will realize that a whole new world is waiting for you, like you just born! Good luck girlie!