Boom. Personal Support.

Okay so I figured I could vent here.

I hate my life and think about killing myself every day. There are only three things that actually keep me from doing it.

1. My girlfriend would be devastated. She's the most amazing girl I've ever met and nobody deserves to have her, not even me. But if anybody were to have her, I would rather it be me because I could never trust anybody else to treat her like she deserves. She is 110% in love with me and hurting her would be the most selfish thing I could do.

2. My student loan debt would fall back on my parents and destroy everything they have worked their entire lives for. I owe over $80,000 and have no idea how I'm ever going to pay it back. Call me stupid, I don't care. The educational system in the US is fucked and anybody that has experienced it first hand will agree... Except your faggot military knuckleheads. They're entire mindset on life is fucked. Just tell one of them that and watch. Their reaction and justification for their ignorance speaks for itself.

3. Killing myself forfeits any chance I'll ever have to enjoy anything. There are plenty of things that I enjoy. The problems in my life keep me from doing what I enjoy. This is difficult to explain. I do not kill myself in hopes that I will one day be able to do what I enjoy... Even though, as it stands, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

What the fuck man. Okay. Here's a list of a couple things that contribute to my discontent.

1. Work sucks. I work my dick off and these fucking spics just stand around telling people what to do while getting paid twice what I make.

2. School. It's not overwhelming, I just hate the shit out of how expensive it is. If I had all the money in the world, I would take classes until the day that I die just to satisfy my lust for knowledge.... The only problem is that I have to get out because I can't afford it. Even though I've learned a fuck ton, it doesn't mean anything unless I get that fucking piece of paper. To do that, I have to take classes that I don't give a mother fuck about. Since I don't give a shit about them, I don't do the work, it piles up, and I never do it. My entire problem, right the fuck there. Motivation or something.

3. This horrible, horrible, horrible country that I live in. I would leave and go ANYWHERE (almost). I can't even begin to describe the level of hatred I have for basically everybody that I come in contact with. They are so mother fucking stupid and ignorant that they are beyond realizing how stupid and ignorant they are. Everyone is fucking brainwashed and addicted to their mindless, bullshit, distractions. Finding someone to have an intelligent conversation with is like winning the lottery. Fuck.


So those are the big three, I suppose. Now, solutions and why they won't work.

1. Kill myself - This seems like the best option, but everyone will be sad and I won't get the chance to be happy, even if it seems unlikely anyway.

2. Flee the country - The girlfriend doesn't really like this idea. My loan debt will go and fuck my parents in the ass, essentially throwing away everything they've ever worked for. I love them and they've done too much for me for me to do that to them.

3. Hope that all this bullshit I've been and am being fed actually isn't bullshit... In that case, I should work my ass off and try my hardest to succeed and live the American dream (fucking lol). Maybe I'll die old with my wife in a home that I own and have great-great-grand children. Happily ever after kinda shit, ya know?

But how fucking likely is that? I don't even want that.

Couldn't think of what to say next so I guess I'm done for now. It's so fucking stupid I can't even wrap my mind around it.

 

Honestly, it seems more so like situational depression/rut. All the problems you mentioned seem to stem from financial debt and the fact that you have to stick with it for a few more years.

Honestly, I don't know you and have no clue what your life is like. The only thing that I can say, which is the only logical explanation/solution; finish University, get a good job, and it seems most of what you said will be forgotten/gone - i.e. financial debt (good job to pay off) and working your ass off for little monetary gain (hopefully your university degree will alleviate this issue). However, the irony of all this is that you hate your University degree in respect to having to take classes you dislike/cbf working. Just power on, get it done, and hopefully in a few years everything will be dandy.

 

This is a problem I have as well, the thought of utter futility and that my life is the ultimate fuck-up or joke. I have also considered killing myself before, though it has never truly gotten serious.

Loan Debt- I don't have as big of a problem with that as you're pointing out, but I will be in a good amount of debt post graduation. My fear stems not from the fact that I am in debt, like it seems to be for you, but because I fear that a 100,000 dollar education will ultimately culminate into nothing. I share your bitter hate towards The United States of America. It is anything but United, it is anything but cohesive. I am terrified that my Dad's faith in me has been severely misplaced, and that I am essentially a child that could be dubbed a 100,000 dollar mistake (If I can't find work post-graduation, what the hell was this all for? I am not even happy at University...the food is shit, the people are shit (for the most part), and life just isn't all that fun.

But here's where we are different, and why I think you should feel a little bit better about yourself. Fuck money, man. You can figure that out. That is the hope that I also cling to myself. Money is worthless to me, it has no intrinsic value. It is just an object that drives people to corruption, greed, and pettiness. Don't worry about all that debt. We are different because you have a significant other. You even say that you + nobody else deserves her. This is one of the rarest things a man can find, it seems that she brings you true happiness. If there's one thing worth living for, that would be it right there man. The girl. Sometimes I think to myself that finding someone like that may not mitigate all my problems, but it sure would be nice having someone in my corner, someone that I can confide in completely and know will always have my back...even when shit hits the fan.

As for work, screw that too. You will move on from it eventually, if you finish out school strongly, who knows. You're right, it is just for a stupid piece of paper, but hopefully it puts you into a position to find employment. I, too, find an emptiness in the notion of the "American Dream". It seems like in our generation, the only American Dream is trying to stay out of the streets and not on Food Stamps. But I think that goal seems so far away for you, that you don't think it would be any better than where you're at now. I don't think you should think that way man, I know I do feel the same exact way..but you have to be optimistic about something.

To summarize: You have what sounds like an amazing girlfriend, and hard-working parents that you love and care about. Just keep on keeping on, it's not easy transitioning from being a kid to an adult. Hell, it sucks major ass. But somehow...we survive. I sit here typing this, telling you, urging you, that suicide is not the answer. Coming from someone that sincerely agrees with pretty much every word you've typed, and someone who has considered suicide as well..it's just not the answer. I figure, well, if all else fails, there's always suicide. That's certainly a grim motherfucking view of the world...but I have it. But don't go all in just yet. You're young, you have your whole life in front of you. Not many people at our age know what's going to happen, the mercurial nature of life. Hell, tomorrow you could win the lottery, or land some really cool internship. You just never know. I think that's what keeps me going. Screw fear of the unknown, embrace that shit. For dark days there could be a bright tomorrow, even if it seems impossible.

Good luck, man. Just know, I'm on your side with everything, but you can do this.

 

i was really depressed, than i quit my job and everything that was bothering me and now i feel better. happily making money online and enjoying everyday, worry free.

 

Finish school, get a good job, pay off all your debt without stressing, and enjoy life!

 

To deal with the work problem... why not talk to the school about an internship with a company in the field you are studying? The jobs pay half-decent and most of the time lead to a permanent position after school.

Yes school is a pain in the ass, but you have to deal with it. Frankly, I don't know what kind of degree you're going for - but some of them really do pay off in the end while others are more or less a "party" education (and some people really just don't understand that).

While many of the military personnel are going to college as a joke, not all of them are. I know at least one that is going for a degree in Physics as part of an Air Force program. Frankly, I would say don't bash on the military as it's disrespectful to someone that would defend your country need be. But that's for a different time and place.

 

In anycase i agree with this post.

Look towards the future. life sucks in general everyone knows that.
head up and love your Girl man. that is the cream.

 

The safest route is, as suggested, to finish school and take care of my shit.. But I hate the fuck out of everything.

Here's all I need to be happy in life:
Money for rent, bills, and food.
About $150/week for recreation (generously).
My girlfriend.


Why is it so fucking difficult to have all of this at the same time??

The military in this country and everything they think they're defending is a fucking joke.

That's the one thing that has always kept me going. I really appreciate your post, it felt good to read and know that there are others in similar situations.


I don't know. It's 3am so I need to sleep or whatever.

 

that is some really powerful stuff, good advice for many people on here.

things get worse before they get better.

 

I understand where you're coming from, I've considered killing myself every day for years but run into the same obstacles(fucking my family's lives, people I'm close to, and dying having never really enjoyed anything). I suffer horrible fits of depression where all I can do is pray to die but I get over it for the reasons I mentioned.

I have a hard time following my own advice but what you really have to do is keep plugging the fuck on. Your problems now won't be problems later, things can improve and even a few years from now you could be in a completely different place.

I know that's obvious advice but you'll get there man. As always I'm available on skype if you need someone to talk to.

 

No problem man, hope it all works out for you dude.

 

yep, like the others said your only real choice is to keep piling on debt and to go forth and try your best to get the degree.

where you really have choice is your current living style. you can either:

live on ramen noodles, water and internet, spend every dime you have after food/rent/bills on your student debt. if your job is seriously ass this wont do much but it certainly won't hurt.

live with a total fuck it attitude, you're already $80k in the shitter, what's another $20k ontop of that? smoke the finest weed, buy a new reclining sofa with a fridge and toilet built in, and eat like a king on his birthday.

gl homie. we're all in this together.

 

What are your dreams? What is your dream job? Just work towards those. As hard as it can seem, there is always a path to your goal destination. The worst thing you can do as a young adult is get trapped in a shitty job that you don't enjoy and stop progressing towards your dreams. Once you get kids and other obligations, it is much harder to achieve your dreams.

What are you taking in school? To me, paid education is a joke for the most part. Yeah there are some programs where you need the in class experience (yours may be one of them), but these days almost anything can be self taught. Unless you need the paper because you plan on working for a company or something who requires it, you might as well save yourself the money and self teach.

You have a loving family and girlfriend. It seems that the debt is what is depressing you. As long as you work to progress towards your dream, you will be fine. At the end of the day, ask yourself what you have done to progress towards your dream that day. If the answer is nothing, you are trapping yourself. Change your approach the next day.

 

I know this is going to be off topic as hell, but its not our military that is a joke. It is the government that controls it that is the joke.

The military only follows orders that are passed down the chain. Think before you type man.

On Topic:
KMJT's advice here is spot on. Stop focusing on the thing that brings you negativity. Focus on your future with your family and everything that is to come. I am a lot like you in some respects. I owe $250k + for medical bills when I had to have transplant surgery. It happened at the worst possible time during insurance transition on my parents part. You just have to look at it like another hurdle to jump over. Get into a nice steady job and start making payments. It won't go away simply because you are mad at it.

Chin up mate. It will get better. You are just in a temporary slump. Find things to do when you get into that dark place to prevent those thoughts from taking over.

 

This is definitely true. I've contemplated being a military man but not recently.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and each day you progress it gets a little brighter. The money problems will work out if you can get a decent job/career in the field you plan on going into. Maybe try and look for places where you can get your foot in the door. Killing yourself will only hurt those around you that you care about, there's always a better way.