Pretty Depressed right about now

I have really been feeling down about everything these past few days, and I am struggling to find something to pick me up.

No one really could tell what I am thinking by looking at my expressions, or talking to me, and I keep it that way on purpose. I am that guy who is always making jokes, and keeping things fun, and people never really know what I am thinking. I just keep everything bottled up inside, and its really starting to effect me.

The thing is, I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I can't stand hearing things like "Its going to be ok" and "things will get better soon", because honestly I don't give a shit when people say things like that to me. For example, when I was a little kid I was sent to a therapist because I cussed out some kid in 3rd grade. I was smart enough then to know that this therapist was just going to do the typical "Are you sad because of (insert random problem here)" and "How does this make you feel" bullshit, and so I just told her what she wanted to here. I answered her questions and got out of there, because I really did not care.

Then, about 2 years ago, my parents got divorced, and my mom decided to force me to go to a therapist. She sent me not because I was too upset, but because I didn't seem to be upset at all. And although I did have a few moments of sadness, she was right. I did not give one fuck about what my parents did, or what happened to our family. So again, I just told the therapist what she wanted to hear, and got away from it.

Now I am not really sure if any of this makes sense, but its pretty much whats going on inside my head. I just feel like nothing matters in the world, yet I refuse to let anyone see my true emotions, and lately, its just becoming to much. I guess I figured sythe was a good place to turn to for this. I don't know any of you irl, many of you are pretty intelligent, and honestly I don't give a fuck about anything at this point.

I guess, that is where my biggest problem is right now too.. I don't care about anything. I mean, I do shitty in school no matter how hard I try, and what is that going to lead to? A shitty job, where I can come back to my shitty home and be stressed about bills, and politics, and family, and everything else that people go through on a daily basis. I just don't see what the point is. How can people be content being stuck in their lives?? Most people do the same thing every day of their life, and what does it all lead to? Death. I don't want to be apart of this daily grind. I don't want to get up every morning, dread going to work, come home, and repeat it all the next day until im 80. Then what? I have enough retirement money to buy me frozen dinners and some new pants until I die? I just don't see the point in anything.. I don't see the point in going where I am going. I know exactly what path im heading down, and there is nothing I can do about it. I am halfway through my junior year and my grades are at an all time low. The chances of me getting into a decent college are slim to none. And then what? I get to get lots of student loans, just so I can go to this decent college, JUST so I can get a decent job, JUST so I can pay back those college loans, and then continue on in the daily grind..

Now some people would say that its all worth it for family and friends. Maybe it is, but in my life it isn't. I can't stand anyone in my family, and they act like I don't exist most of the time. My mom and dad are full of themselves, and to concerned with their own lives to care about anyone or anything, and my sister is starting to become like them as well. I am home by myself 99% of the time, I make my own food, I am the only one who cleans, I do my own laundry, and I am just overall completely self sufficient, and that's how its been for as long as I can remember. So I really have never had a sense of family, and no one to really turn to. And at this point, I don't want to turn to anyone. I like just keeping everything to myself, and whenever someone tries to help me emotionally I find it annoying, and a waste of time, but I just can't do it anymore.

Things have always gone wrong for me my entire life. I am not going to go into much detail, as I am not trying to write a sob story here, but basically, shit has sucked. It seems like nothing ever goes my way, and as soon as something good happens it just slips away. At this point, I am refusing to let myself become attached to anything or anyone, because I know at some point its going to be ripped away from me. So I am just sitting here, being miserable, wondering what the point in life is, and if anyone came up and talked to me they would just see me being me, cracking a joke and having a good time...But I guess those of you who bothered to read this whole post have some insight on what I am thinking, and I appreciate you taking the time to read it.

 

Hi there x3 I just read through your whole post and I have a few thoughts about what you are feeling.

First of all, although you didn't mention it in any of the paragraphs, I think that maybe what you are feeling is a severe case of depression. The reason I think this is because I recognize things I have felt myself in alot of your words. That feeling of hopelessness, lack of emotion and caring about important things in your life, lack of motivation to perform simple tasks such as get out of bed in the morning & go to school or work etc. sounds very much to me like a deep type of depression that I have felt myself for many years. I never even knew I was depressed until I was sent to a doctor, as I did not identify myself as being associated with the typical "sadness" that associates depression. You might be in the exact same boat, because I can tell you that living your life with a complete lack of motivation and a constant, hopeless, "what is the point" attitude is NOT normal, and those are both in fact common symptoms of the mental illness.

I think your lack of somebody to talk to about what you are feeling is also causing you to drive all your emotion inwards, which is very unhealthy. I wouldn't be surprised if that 'withdrawal' from people around you is also causing you to subconsciously 'withdraw' from yourself & your own emotions as well, as an effective strategy of just not having to deal with some of the turbulent events that are happening in your life around you right now. It sounds to me like you are completely internalizing your feelings, a process by which is slowly turning you into a cold, callous, emotionless shell - a state that allows you to in turn ignore what you should be feeling. This may explain why you are also projecting a false image of everything being OK to your peers and the people around you - a strategy for keeping your emotions hidden below the surface and delaying having to deal with them.

I am curious, do you have anybody at all that you can talk to, or who you feel comfortable talking to about these personal issues? I know Sythe can be great for these sorts of things due to the anonymity, but having a close friend or a person who is accepting, understanding, and will listen to you without interrupting or interjecting can help loads. Maybe if you had the chance to sit down with somebody (even if it was a therapist again) and just unveil your emotions, and every single thing that you are feeling, perhaps that would lift a great weight off your shoulders and allow you to feel your emotions healthily, and deal with them accordingly? Or perhaps it is even more serious than that and you need medical help to stabalize some of the unbalanced chemicals in your brain that are causing you to feel so much despair and emptiness? What you are feeling is certainly not 'normal', and should not be the way that somebody moves through their daily life.

I have recently tried support groups as a way to deal with my issues and get myself heard by people who understand - a process that I NEVER thought would be for me, or would work at all. I was absolutely floored by how well the technique works for me and many other men & women, there are millions of support groups for a reason. I tend to be like you and I like to bottle my emotions inside me and not discuss them with other people, but attending a groups atmosphere in a room filled with people who are going through/have gone through the exact same things as me as helped me loads when it comes to just speaking my mind freely and getting out anything that is bothering me and/or building up inside my mind. Sometimes you don't even realize exactly what it is that is eating you up - and having a second perspective that is not inside your own "sick" mind can be a good way to look at something from a different angle, or recieve valuable advice.

Anyways, I probably wrote too much but I just wanted to tell you that things do get better one day. Just hold in there, and you should really consider getting some help or finding a strategy to deal with your feelings. Even if you feel you can't talk to another person just yet - try journaling or writing down what you are feeling, just to get your thoughts & emotions out of your head and safely onto paper, where you can come back after for a second look and a chance to analyze what is going on inside you.

If you ever need somebody to chat with online or somebody to just listen to what you have to say, feel free to add my MSN Hold in there bud.

- Zerk

[email protected]

 

Just think about that one girl you get to be with <3

If you wanna talk' [email protected]

 

You don't have goals in your life? What do you want to do, who do you aspire to become? You are the master of your destiny. You're still young and change is easily done.

Like Zerker said, it's always nice to have someone you can talk to about anything. Bottle your feelings and eventually everything that's crammed will explode and it's not a nice sight. Even if it's someone online you can talk to, it's a start.

 

shit man i fuckin cried to reading this because this exactly is me

 

I can relate to this too, and it touched me deeply... IarianI, you should also follow the advise given to him here since it will most likely be applicable in your situation too! You can do it too, WE ALL CAN!!

Hey brother over there! First of all like Zerkerfist (Zerkerfist4mod! ) said, you really do need someone to open up to. I am similar to you, and tend to bottle things up. But it is no good and i'm sure both me and you knows that. We all need a companion to hear our problems and troubles. Afterall, we are humans, and we require the support and encouragement of other humans!

If you can't find anyone that you can trust, it is fine to share it at forums like these, as long as it helps you

My second point is about your problems at school. I've seen plenty of my peers work hard but they just cannot score well during exams. The grades they receive do not correspond to the effort that they have put in. I guess you guys are not cut out for this studying system. It doesn't mean you are stupid, but it means that you cannot do well in this aspect.

But no worries, college and grades? I agree with you! Why are we putting ourselves through so much only to put ourselves to more stress again??? Do we actually have to follow the conventional path and go to college? Do we need to worry so much? NO, like you said!

If you can't make it to college, forget it. No point stressing yourself out, barely making it to college and stress yourself out for another few years. The paper degree isn't going to be worth the emotional stress you will go through. After that you still have to pay off your loans, and the whole cycle repeats...

My advice is just to be HAPPY and DO WHAT YOU ARE PASSIONATE IT regardless of WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY! Just because everyone is going through college out there, doesn't mean you have to go through it Do what you love man, you might not make as much money, but you won't have to work a single day of your life and stress will never affect you... ( which is worth $10000Million )

Third point is about your family! It is depressing to see your family members not concerned about you. Family are meant to be our closest of kins, providing constant support for us. Since now your family are behaving in such a manner, don't worry, you still have US, the SYTHE COMMUNITY. We love you and care for you man So do us proud and BE STRONG!

The people that are trying to help you love you and care for you. So accept their support, you know you do need it! We all need support!

All the best man, you can do it, and BE HAPPY!

 

My life right there.